Thoughts on Ash Wednesday

photo credit: http://renewcommunity.org

The summer after I graduated college was a defining period of time for me. I had just landed a job in my field and was subletting an apartment from some pharmacy school friends who were back home for the summer. For the first time, I wasn't home for the summer either. I was in Des Moines, alone. I was reeling from two emotionally draining breakups, was feeling rather crushed and a bit indignant. I decided the cure was to do only things that made me happy. And my goodness, did I stick to that prescription.

I worked hard during the week, which was wonderful, because I positively loved it. My weekend routine became waking up  early and going for a nice long walk before it got too hot out. Then, I'd cool down, soaking in the bathtub, reading a book. In the afternoons, I'd choose a recipe I'd never tried before, buy all the ingredients, and spend the rest of the day cooking up a storm. I'd often rent a movie or two to watch at night. I also began going to the theatre to watch movies alone (still one of my favorite habits). I spent a lot of time at Mars Cafe, my favorite coffee place, where they came to know that I always ordered a medium iced mocha--a sign that I was surely spending too much money there. The key was, though, never feeling guilty about a bit of it. Smoked salmon and Haagen Dazs for dinner? Why not, I wasn't cooking for anyone else. Reading a stack of magazines under a tree at Gray's Lake when I should be doing laundry? Who cares, the laundry will be there waiting for me.

By the end of that totally indulgent summer, I was feeling fresh, fabulous, and healed.

The reason I like Lent so much is that it's sort of the opposite of the summer. I spend most of the year feeling pretty good about myself, and then comes Lent--a time to remember what sacrifice is all about. Not that I spend the whole year spoiling myself, but to be honest, I don't give myself too hard of a time. I know that I'm a good person, and that I work hard. I try to be compassionate and kind. I'm a loving and supportive daughter, friend, and partner. And when it comes to "guilty pleasures," well, I don't really have any. I figure if something makes me happy, and it's not hurting anyone, then how bad can it really be? But Lent sort of is that time where I force myself to hold back. Self-imposed restrictions can be a challenge because you have no one to answer to but yourself (and, well, God). But I thrive on all of it. I love giving up meat on Friday, because, frankly, it's the closest I'll ever get to being vegetarian. And I love making myself go to things like Stations of the Cross, and Confession, and Rosary, because the rest of the year, I figure myself to be a pretty damn good Catholic for going to Mass (almost) every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation. On Ash Wednesday, I sing the songs that are my favorite because we only sing them once a year, and faithfully receive the little black cross on my forehead. "Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

And like the end of that one summer, when Easter rolls around, I feel fresh, fabulous, and healed.